Nurturing Gratitude: Sustaining Clergy Through the Challenges of Ministry

by Allie Kochert, Lower Susquehanna Synod’s Psychospiritual Consultant

It’s clergy appreciation month. Maybe you’ll have a note, or a thank you, or if you’re lucky your congregation or community or family will offer their thanks in a thoughtful way. It feels good to be recognized. But we know that as folks in ministry often go unrecognized and undernourished, in all the bumps and difficulties throughout the year. And we know that our spiritual connection to gratitude is important to foster lest we burnout. How do we do this when things are flat out wearisome?

Cultivating a posture of gratitude re-connection to our self, our call, our passion in what we do and how we do it—we know this takes intention and practice. Yet we are simply wired to see what’s missing, what we’d want or change or how things could be different. We don’t need to be a “glass half-empty” kind of temperament—all of us are like this. We humans with human brains have a “negativity bias”, a type of cognitive bias that means we notice and pay attention to the things that are difficult or painful or missing or irritating over the things that are pleasant or joyful or re-connecting or just simply the same. We first notice the negative.

This is an innate cognitive bias we all have and we are encouraged from a young age often to “get over.” “Just stay positive!” or “Look at the blessings!” we hear. We even say that ourselves! We are encouraged to stray from our grumblings yet we always will have a bias towards what is missing or what could go wrong. We are hardwired biologically to prioritize avoiding pain and discomfort over seeking pleasure and joy, regardless of how “blessed” or “positive” we are. This is bias is essentially an archaic safety system for us—when it mattered more that we noticed we were approaching an area without water, or that the tree that was our waymarker is no longer there due to a windstorm—these systems were flat out life-or-death issues for us millennia ago.

This was just a moment in time evolutionarily speaking, yet today our brains are instinctually on high alert for something important missing. It is, for all intents and purposes, less a helpful bias anymore for those of us living in general safety and security in the modern world. Most of us have access to water we can drink and know how to get to the nearest grocery store, thanks to reliable roads. The brain’s negativity bias keeps us busy seeing what’s missing when we have what is need right in front of us.

It shows up when we take for granted that the trash pickup was on time, or when our phone worked when we picked it up to call the congregant in grief. It shows up in how we treat each other, how we notice each other, what we do with what we have.  It shows up when we forget to notice our neighbor, or fail to notice the little things our loved one has done for us. It showed up when we were shaken to our core, when the world shut down due to the pandemic. Yet our ability to cultivate consciousness means we can hack our brain’s instincts, with intention. We can override this system through presence-making noticing. We reconnect when we look for the simple patterns of reliability and purpose. Our spiritual connection is in these sacred moments, when our bodies are taken care of, when we feel safe and grounded. Gratitude is not just brain food, it is soul food.

When we are aware of the natural nature of our cognitive biases, we are better able to notice them and give ourselves the self-compassion we need to foster growth and self-attunement. In my groups with folks, being connected with like-minded peers in a trauma-informed container such as a soul circle or Parker Palmer’s Circle of Trust, we are better able to acknowledge those parts of ourselves that can’t shake the negativity or can’t see our way out of something just plain hard. When we are held in space with attunement from others who get us and see us, we are better ablet o understand what it is that is truly calling us. Do we have something we need to change in our lives? Do we need to address something challenging? Do we have enough space to breathe, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Are we feeling heard?

Gratitude is a gift, but one we give ourselves, similar to forgiveness. We are grateful because it is good for our souls, not because it bypasses the hard stuff. Psychology tells us that even if we don’t believe our positive thoughts, they can have a positive impact on our brain chemistry and mood anyway. Spending a few minutes being aware of our blessings truly does a mind—and spirit—good.

The ability to reconnect to what matters often arises when we sink into that place of self-attunement, reconnecting to our roots from the inside-out. When we are in a longterm vocational ministry, we want to be present and positive and hopeful, but oftentimes, that’s nearly impossible. We are all human, and deserve space to be understood and heard, in our relationships, in our communities, in our congregations. And when we are, we are better able to access our spirits and souls that are connected to our deeper knowing, and trust that when things get tough, we have resiliency that is sourced not from praise or recognition, but from a sacred and precious well deep within.